Looking back on my childhood, I do not remember much, and I am not even sure if I was a happy child. People tell me how awesome I was as a kid, which scares me. Not because I do not remember but because my son is extraordinary. My daughter also possesses a gift that I share with you here. Trama does strange things to people. She and I both were sexually abused by someone we trusted. When I was 13, I remember my brother forcing me to do something I did not want to do with him. All I could think about was the feelings I was having. I know I did not like it but could do nothing to stop it. I do not believe in punishment. I believe in learning. My perception is that my brother committed his actions against me due to some flaw in himself.
I still talk to my brother, and we are working through this.
With that in mind, I will speak about my daughter now, and I will not disclose full details out of respect for her. She is eight at the time of writing, and I love her so much. I can tell you the night I heard about what happened to her changed my life and hers forever. Wanting to take someone's life is not an easy decision to make. I walked out my front door that night with the full intention of taking the "man"s life that took my daughters from her. I never made it to his house. The only reason I am here to write this is that my ex-wife stopped me. That was the first time someone in my family saved me from making a wrong decision. A day after that, I disclosed my abuse as a child to my wife.
To this day, I do not regret this decision. Exposing the part of myself that is most damaged has opened a literal Pandora's box of emotions in my life, and it has taught me a few things. We all get hurt sometimes, and our decisions when we are hurt can hurt others. I believe that some of the strongest people on this planet have some of the biggest secrets. If we are to be strong, we must understand the "pain" that others feel. I feel my daughter's pain every time I look into her eyes. I know what it is like to be confused about things. I know what it is like to cry alone and in front of those you love. If we are ever to be strong, we must first be weak. To me, strength is not something that you just have. I do believe strength can be taught and gained. My mind is just another muscle in my body. Through exercise and routine, I can make it stronger.
I may not have been able to stop or rectify what happened to you, but I understand your pain. The struggle of existing in a world that has hurt you can be challenging. However, not everyone is out to get you. It has taken me thirty-four years of life and twenty-one years of recovery to understand this. Also, the most challenging part about being a victim of trauma is that some people just don't understand. It is not that I am trying to hurt anyone. I am just trying to protect myself. From what you may ask? Next post, I start from the top.